Tuesday, April 28, 2009

The Odd Commentators

"On April 23, Sean Hannity was asked if he would indeed agree to be 'waterboarded for charity.' That request came from rival pundit Keith Olbermann. When he chickened out, Fox News fired the Lou Costello-like commentator, requesting that HE never return. Deep down, he knew they were right...with no other alternative, he decided to join his former rival Olbermann on the MSNBC set. Sometime earlier, ESPN had thrown Olbermann out, requesting that HE never return. Can two equally insane, hypocritically challenged talking heads share a news desk without driving each other crazy?" Cue opening theme song...

Fade to the news desk...Hannity is busy wiping his nose with a tightly folded handkerchief. He motions to the director, "Would you happen to have a fresh box of Kleenex? Since I agreed to be waterboarded, my nose hasn't stopped running." The director smirks and shakes his head..."no, no tissue"...then, under his breath, "Running? Running is what you did to get AWAY from the waterboarding. Your NOSE isn't running...it's growing."

Olbermann interupts, "hey, HEY, lay off the little guy, will ya? He was around (Bill) O'Reilly so long, he doesn't just dangle participles, he throws 'em off the Sears Tower." Hannity, hearing the exchange, interjects, "Keith, Keith, I can handle myself. You don't have to keep sticking up for me." Olbermann quickly counters, "that's not what you said when you came crawling over to MSNBC."

The director calls for quiet and motions for the cameras to roll. "Less than five...three...two... (he points to Olbermann)." "Good Evening America...and welcome to 'Countdown with Keith Olbermann.' Tonight, I would like to welcome my new co-host...from the 'soon-to-be failed' Fox News network, I am of course talking about the all talk-no walk, tail between-the-legs, 'waterboard works on everyone but me,' Sean Hannity."

"Hey," Hannity yells, "that's it...I've had it with your snide remarks. I WILL take you up on your offer. You CAN waterboard me. It's NOT torture. I'll prove it. I'll show you. I'll show everybody. I'm not just some hypocrite."

Olbermann pulls Hannity aside..."are you sure you want to go through with this? Come on, we know you can do it. I mean, you talked to Ollie North, right? He was waterboarded. Come on, that should be good enough, okay?" Hannity rubs his eyes and nods his head..."yeah, you're right. I'm sorry. You agree with me, right? I mean, it's NOT torture, right?

Olberman responds, "Of course...of course, I agree...come on, let's go back to the set." The director shakes his head...but seeing no other choice, he again cues Olbermann..."Welcome to Countdown with Keith Olbermann...again, let me introduce our viewers to our new co-host, the all knowing, all seeing, all torture-all the time, favorite right wing whacko, Sean Hannity."

"Heeeeeeeyyyyyy Olbermann!" Cue to the new Neil Simon bumper theme...

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