Tuesday, December 15, 2015
Letter to Lorne Michaels
Fade to Crawford, Texas, Will ("W") is seated in a large lounge chair in front of a roaring fire...seated next to him is Laura Bush (Cecily Strong). They are discussing recent events in Paris and San Bernardino. Both expressed sorrow as to the senseless loss of life and how this "war on terror" has certainly become a generational one, much like George himself had predicted only days after 9/11. He assures Laura he takes no pleasure in this prognostication (turns and smiles). She agrees, but says she wonders how the current occupants of the White House are dealing with these terrible times...
Fade to the Oval Office, President Obama (special appearance by Fred Armison) is calmly watching a CNN report on recent events in (both) Paris and San Bernardino. He is surrounded by his cabinet. They appear to be in a "brainstorming session" and are offering opinions as to what they believe the administration's next steps should be. Defense Secretary Ash Carter (Bobby Moynihan) believes the Drone attacks are having the desired effects. Former Chief of Staff (and now former mayor of Chicago) Rahm Emanuel (guest host Pee Wee Herman) states that easy access to firearms by ISIS must be curtailed and strict gun control laws should be enacted. Secretary of State John Kerry (Taran Killam) says he could easily have James Taylor write and perform a "fight song," perhaps putting ISIS to sleep.
There is a knock on the door and suddenly Hillary Clinton (Kate McKinnon) appears. She is escorted by none other than Bernie Sanders, dressed as Larry David. Hillary joins the conversation and says, "you know, what if...I mean, what if, we could find a way to isolate these ISIS fighters and other terrorists...you know, perhaps in a faraway country or a terrain which could, you know, be easily contained like, well, like..." Just then, Bernie jumps in ..."like Iraq." The group laughs...President Obama immediately chides Sanders, saying "I spent countless billions of dollars and thousands upon thousands of human lives getting us OUT of Iraq. Why in the world would I want to go back there...uh, Bernie?" "No, no, my name is Larry...and the answer to your question is because terror WAS contained in Iraq until you gave the terrorists their own passports with (now) US visas attached, that's why."
The room goes silent. Suddenly everyone breaks out in laughter. They all agree the idea is preposterous and kick (both) Clinton and Sanders out of the office. Once they've left, the President shakes his head, "can you believe those two? They sound like, well, like Republicans. The rest all nod and, then Emanuel says, "you know, we could find a sort of 'safe zone' for them...you know, like maybe a gun free zone. We had those in Chicago, you know." "Not a bad idea, Rahm," replies the President, "I'm going to make you my ISIS czar. Just don't go all Dick Cheney on me and try and win this thing. We're only 13 months away from getting out of this, you know?"
Fade back to Crawford, Texas...Laura says to Will, "you know, maybe you should call President Obama and offer to help him." Will immediately says, "no can do, Pookie. That would be too disrespectful to the office." Laura counters, "but honey, what they're doing is bringing the war to our shores. Can't you please help?" "Well," answers Will, "I suppose I could...but then, wouldn't that be preposterous?" (Turns and smiles)...
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