Thursday, January 29, 2009
We're off to see the Wizard
Coming to a theater near you...this February...a remake of the heartwarming tale of a lost soul, a soul who just wanted to go home...yes, the L. Frank Baum classic tweaked for today...
Dorothy (Hillary Clinton) only wanted one thing...to return home to her Arkansas villa, er, I mean, Illinois Lake Shore Drive estate, uh, I mean, New York brownstone...but no, that's not the way it works she was told...first, she would have to apply for a travel pass at the Federal Bureau of Movement...once there, she meets the clerk, Mr. S. Crow (George W. Bush)...
Mr. Crow tells Dorothy he would love to help her, however because of his entry level status as a developmentally delayed hire, he must first get a supervisor's approval at the Department of Equality on the third floor. The two attempt to take the elevator up two flights, however it is closed for repairs because the mechanics are in mandated sensitivity training due an ACLU law suit involving their supervisor, Mr. Tinmen (Joe Biden)...they take the service elevator...
Mr. Tinmen greets them and assures Dorothy that he will make every effort to grant her request...even if it means taking her case to the Wizard himself...but first, he insists she go with him to the fifth floor where they will meet with the Undersecretary of Maintenance, C. Wordly Lionne (Barney Frank)...they arrive and Lionne screams at Tinmen..."what do you think you are doing? This woman has no security clearance. I mean, it's bad enough you brought along the clerk...he can't hurt us...but this stranger, who 'only wants to go home?' A likely story..."
Tinmen interrupts Lionne's tirade, shouting, "you're not my boss. I answer only to the Wizard." Just then, Lionne's face turns beet red and he suddenly swivels, revealing a hideous second face (Bill O'Reilly). The face screams, "you can't talk to me like that...it's MY JOB to hold people like you accountable!" Then he mumbles something about "the folks" and the face disappears...
Lionne immediately tears up and begs Tinmen to forgive him. Tinmen shrugs, telling him "okay, okay, stop crying...let's go to the seventh floor and the Speaker of the Propaganda Bureau will help you find some stones, you pansy." Lionne keeps weeping, "have a heart. It could be worse. You could be him," pointing to Crow who's busy counting ceiling tiles...
Dorothy, who's been watching all this, pleads with them... "what are we doing? Who is this speaker?" She looks at Lionne who is alternately looking left (weeping) and then right (yelling), then to Tinmen who is busy slapping Crow about the upper torso vigorously while Crow continues counting tiles, stopping occasionally to restart...
Just then the elevator opens, a trumpet sounds, and the Speaker (Nancy Pelosi) exits. Dorothy pleads, "Madam Speaker, can you help me? I just want to go home." The Speaker acts as though she does not hear the distressed Dorothy and talking to no one in particular, says, "I am the only one who can take your case to the Wizard. We must go to the penthouse." The elevator again opens...
Onward and upward they go, reaching the top...they thought...where they are greeted by the Wizard (Barack Obama) himself. He is shirtless, holding a basketball and there is a cigarette dangling from his lips. The penthouse is magnificent...the room is a gymnasium, but the walls open and the room expands into a sort of multi-purpose room...a combination office, den, theater, cafeteria, patio, dormitory, entertainment center...
"Welcome," he bellows. "Please, make yourselves at home. Can I get anyone a club soda?" He turns and takes a 30 foot (at least) jump shot. The ball vanishes. "Man, that's the third one today," he mutters. Well, I better get another one. Oh yes, what can I do for you?"
"I want to go home," pleads Dorothy. Pointing to the others, "I don't know what these people want...or what their purpose is around here...but I just want to go home."
"Fair enough," he answers. "First, all I need is...cough, sputter, hack." The cigarette falls from his lips. He drops to one knee. "Can't breathe...must have oxygen...call paramedics...please." Just then, the massive ceiling opens and a helicopter hovers overhead...a man dressed in a firefighter uniform (Bill Clinton) climbs out and is lowered by cable toward the choking Wizard...
Just then, the Wizard stops choking...the Speaker recognizes all those around her and smiles. Lionne proudly stands up and offers his hand to Tinmen who tearfully accepts the gesture. Dorothy smiles and clicks her heels. "Everything is beautiful," they say in unison. The free world has been saved. Well, except now Crow is counting floor tiles...
Dorothy (Hillary Clinton) only wanted one thing...to return home to her Arkansas villa, er, I mean, Illinois Lake Shore Drive estate, uh, I mean, New York brownstone...but no, that's not the way it works she was told...first, she would have to apply for a travel pass at the Federal Bureau of Movement...once there, she meets the clerk, Mr. S. Crow (George W. Bush)...
Mr. Crow tells Dorothy he would love to help her, however because of his entry level status as a developmentally delayed hire, he must first get a supervisor's approval at the Department of Equality on the third floor. The two attempt to take the elevator up two flights, however it is closed for repairs because the mechanics are in mandated sensitivity training due an ACLU law suit involving their supervisor, Mr. Tinmen (Joe Biden)...they take the service elevator...
Mr. Tinmen greets them and assures Dorothy that he will make every effort to grant her request...even if it means taking her case to the Wizard himself...but first, he insists she go with him to the fifth floor where they will meet with the Undersecretary of Maintenance, C. Wordly Lionne (Barney Frank)...they arrive and Lionne screams at Tinmen..."what do you think you are doing? This woman has no security clearance. I mean, it's bad enough you brought along the clerk...he can't hurt us...but this stranger, who 'only wants to go home?' A likely story..."
Tinmen interrupts Lionne's tirade, shouting, "you're not my boss. I answer only to the Wizard." Just then, Lionne's face turns beet red and he suddenly swivels, revealing a hideous second face (Bill O'Reilly). The face screams, "you can't talk to me like that...it's MY JOB to hold people like you accountable!" Then he mumbles something about "the folks" and the face disappears...
Lionne immediately tears up and begs Tinmen to forgive him. Tinmen shrugs, telling him "okay, okay, stop crying...let's go to the seventh floor and the Speaker of the Propaganda Bureau will help you find some stones, you pansy." Lionne keeps weeping, "have a heart. It could be worse. You could be him," pointing to Crow who's busy counting ceiling tiles...
Dorothy, who's been watching all this, pleads with them... "what are we doing? Who is this speaker?" She looks at Lionne who is alternately looking left (weeping) and then right (yelling), then to Tinmen who is busy slapping Crow about the upper torso vigorously while Crow continues counting tiles, stopping occasionally to restart...
Just then the elevator opens, a trumpet sounds, and the Speaker (Nancy Pelosi) exits. Dorothy pleads, "Madam Speaker, can you help me? I just want to go home." The Speaker acts as though she does not hear the distressed Dorothy and talking to no one in particular, says, "I am the only one who can take your case to the Wizard. We must go to the penthouse." The elevator again opens...
Onward and upward they go, reaching the top...they thought...where they are greeted by the Wizard (Barack Obama) himself. He is shirtless, holding a basketball and there is a cigarette dangling from his lips. The penthouse is magnificent...the room is a gymnasium, but the walls open and the room expands into a sort of multi-purpose room...a combination office, den, theater, cafeteria, patio, dormitory, entertainment center...
"Welcome," he bellows. "Please, make yourselves at home. Can I get anyone a club soda?" He turns and takes a 30 foot (at least) jump shot. The ball vanishes. "Man, that's the third one today," he mutters. Well, I better get another one. Oh yes, what can I do for you?"
"I want to go home," pleads Dorothy. Pointing to the others, "I don't know what these people want...or what their purpose is around here...but I just want to go home."
"Fair enough," he answers. "First, all I need is...cough, sputter, hack." The cigarette falls from his lips. He drops to one knee. "Can't breathe...must have oxygen...call paramedics...please." Just then, the massive ceiling opens and a helicopter hovers overhead...a man dressed in a firefighter uniform (Bill Clinton) climbs out and is lowered by cable toward the choking Wizard...
Just then, the Wizard stops choking...the Speaker recognizes all those around her and smiles. Lionne proudly stands up and offers his hand to Tinmen who tearfully accepts the gesture. Dorothy smiles and clicks her heels. "Everything is beautiful," they say in unison. The free world has been saved. Well, except now Crow is counting floor tiles...
# posted by mediacopp : 7:11 AM
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